Why it is hard to set boundaries? Family Edition.

Boundaries are tough.

Figuring out when to set them, how to set them and with who, can be tricky. When you have been raised in a house where your voice or opinion didn’t really matter, it can be very hard to set boundaries in your adult life. You second guess yourself. You think you are being mean or selfish. I will skip to the end here: Boundaries are NOT selfish.

In this blog post, I will discuss what a boundary is, why it is difficult for some people to set them, how to communicate a boundary, how to sit with the discomfort that comes up when you set a boundary, all within the context of setting boundaries with family. I will end by sharing some of my favorite resources when it comes to boundaries.

What is a boundary?

Maybe you have heard this term before but you have no idea what it actually means. The actual definition for a boundary is “a line that marks the limits of an area” which can relate to what we are talking about here. What is a limit for you that crosses a line when it comes to your family?

Another good definition for a boundary according to Brene Brown, is what is ok and not okay. Seems simple enough! Simple but hard. For a lot of my clients, they have no idea what is ok and what is not okay for them. They never even put themselves in the equation. It has always been about others and their needs. Which brings me to my next point.

What does my childhood have to do with setting boundaries?

Why is it difficult for some people to set boundaries or even know what their boundaries are? When you grow up in a household where it was your parents way or the highway or where you weren’t allowed to say no or ask why or ask any questions when a rule was set. Where your voice didn’t matter. Where you were constantly shut down for being too loud, asking too many questions, not listening, or being too dramatic. You learned my needs come second to connection.

As a kid (really as an adult too), the thing you wanted most was connection. To feel loved, supported, worthy, and heard. This connection is a biological need that surpasses everything else. Meaning you learn very quickly what gets you connection and what gets you disconnection from your parents (who are our first connectors until we are in elementary or middle school). You learn okay when I ask too many questions, mom gets annoyed and doesn’t want to hang out with me. Or when I say no, Dad screams at me. Me having a voice, expressing my wants and needs gets me disconnection. Being quiet and the “good” aka compliant kid gets me connection. You may begin to become more compliant and begin to use your voice less.

Fast forward, 15 years and you know are an adult in college. Your friends are asking you to go out for the 3rd night in a row. You are tired and have to study and really don’t want to but you know if you say no you will get disconnection, they will get upset and annoyed with you and maybe won’t want to hang out with you anymore. You say yes even though you really want to say no.

Now when people ask what you want you have no idea. You have been trained your whole life to put your wants and needs second, you do not know yourself much less what you want.

The first set for you even before you set a boundary is getting to know yourself. What do you like and dislike? Make a list. And learn the power of the pause when someone asks you to do something. If your initial response is no because you feel like saying yes means saying no to yourself - this is a perfect example of a boundary, a limit you have for yourself. Okay next step is how to communicate a boundary.

How to communicate a boundary.

Let’s say you have figured out what a boundary is for you with your family, more specifically your parents. You notice it really upsets you when they comment on your looks or your weight constantly. This upsets you and makes you not want to be around them. This is an example of a boundary for you. It is not okay for them to comment on your weight.

When communicating a boundary you want to be as clear as possible. Firm but not rude or disrespectful. And keep it short. Remember no is a complete sentence. Your job when setting a boundary is to communicate the boundary and hold the boundary not to explain or get them to understand why you are setting it.

In the example above, it can sound like this. Mom, it really upsets me when you make comments about my appearance. I would kindly ask please do not comment on my weight. Pause. Deep breaths. You got this.

Now what?!!

How do you sit with the discomfort that comes up when you set a boundary? When you set a boundary, especially if you weren’t allowed to have a voice growing up, it will be very uncomfortable, maybe even scary or bring up fear. This is because when you even attempted to use your voice as a kid, it was shut down or you were punished. You got disconnection. So you feel this may happen again. And it might.

With this example, your mom’s feelings might be hurt, she might be angry or be upset, she might be shocked because she didn’t know it bothered you. Remember ALL feelings are valid. Her feelings are valid and your feelings are valid. The boundary still stands.

Allow whatever feeling to come up for you. Fear, anger, sadness, anxiety, ect. Focus on your body. Where are you noticing this feeling in your body? What sensation do you notice coming up in your body when you are feeling this feeling? Stick with the body. Your thoughts will try to take control, just come back to the body. Be curious about any sensation that comes up. Stay with it. Watch it change. Focus on your breath. Remind yourself I am allowed to set a boundary. I am allowed to have a voice. It is safe for me to have a voice. It is safe for me to say. If you stick with the body and not your thoughts, the discomfort will pass.

Boundaries are hard but crucial to living a peaceful life.

It isn't that you are doing them wrong, they are just hard. They can be especially hard if you weren’t raised in a household that allowed you to say no, express your opinions, and be heard. Boundaries are key to living a life with less resentment and more compassion. The better boundaries you have, the more you have to give.

All feelings are valid when setting boundaries for the setter and the receiver. Sit with the discomfort. Allow the feelings to flow, hold the boundary.