White-Out (The Musings of an Anti-Therapist)
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
This is a guest post by my warrior mama, Penny Curry. She shared this with me years ago with full permission to post it. She is such an incredible writer and writing is her way of processing her past since talking about her feelings isn’t really her thing.
If I avoid my trauma, won’t it just go away eventually?
Open book. Transparent. Over-sharer. Why are some people so private about their lives and others so open? Embarrassment, shame, fear of vulnerability? PTSD/Trauma, overused words in my opinion. I had a car wreck, ooof PTSD. I stubbed my toe, PTSD. (Insert eye rolling here). So, I’m going to call it negative emotional re-call. That’s pretty real. Triggers are real. They appear when you least expect them. An online article, a confidence from a friend. Negative emotions are triggered. You may not realize it when it happens. You numb it with a glass a wine, tell yourself it wasn’t that bad. You go to bed, take a Xanax, Ambien, something to let you sleep. But at three a.m. the nightmare comes and it’s strong enough to break through the medicine. You lay there and recall. The tears fall. You think you can erase it, like an eraser on penciled letters. But no, you can’t. It’s more like a permanent marker; the eraser won’t work so you try something stronger. White-out blots it from the paper but guess what? The permanent marker has bled through the paper into the inside of the page. That’s trauma, inside. You may share bits and pieces with friends or family. They mean well. They want you to be ok. They don’t want your emotional vomit on them. They will bring up all the positive, how far you’ve come, how awesome your life is now, how you have surrounded yourself with positive good people. That doesn’t stop the bleed through on the back of the page, no matter how well meaning they are.
Dammit. She’s right again. That therapist daughter of yours. You can’t hide your head in the sand. You can’t blot it out with White-out. You need someone to hear you. To acknowledge your pain. Yes, to use the damn word trauma. To tell you that wasn’t right. What happened shouldn’t have happened. To hear stories, you’ve never told. To teach you how to deal with those triggers without White out. But therapy is expensive you argue. You’re strong enough to deal with it yourself. It’s not that bad. Maybe. Maybe not. It seems like I’ve heard of a lot of people lately that have had that emotional battle inside and paid the ultimate price because they couldn’t buy enough White-out. I hope you aren’t one of them. I’ve had a lot of friends reach out to me in the last year. I listen, feel their pain, try to give descent advice, refer them to self-help books and I will continue to do that for my friends but I’m not a professional and I’m sure my advice isn’t always the best. Reach out to a therapist. If it’s a therapist that knows you they can refer you in confidence to a therapist who doesn’t. Don’t keep trying to use White-Out.
Written by Penny Brown.
If you feel ready or lets face it, semi ready, to stop avoiding your feelings and to face them and work through them, I would love to support you through that.
Reach out today to schedule a FREE 15 consult with me. Click here.
P.S. A client recently sent me this video and it couldn’t capture how avoiding your feelings comes back to bite you in the butt any better. Enjoy.
Addie Wieland, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, EMDR trained, Daring Way Facilitator, NMT trained
Addie is a therapist helping GenZ & Millennials work through trauma so they can know their worth, stop the endless cycle of toxic relationships, and heal from their past. Specializing in healing childhood sexual abuse, PTSD, and emotional neglect.
Addie is an avid traveler and lives the digital nomad life with her husband and two kids. You never know where she will be logging in from.
